I don't make the rules, but if you liked Pokémon as a kid, you're probably queer now. And that's because most of the original 150 Pokémon were queer AF.
With the media franchise's continued rising popularity, now's a good time to look back at the ways in which some of the battling monsters were clearly not only battling each other, but also battling against the cishetpatriarchy and gender norms.
This is not a ranking or even a complete list. Most Pokémon are kinda queer (except Rhydon, he's cishet AF). But here is a collection of some of the franchise's most certifiably LGBTQ+ creations!
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Bulbasaur
Bulbasaur is either a plant daddy or a vegan lesbian, but either way, she's your favorite plant-loving queer who is here to tell you why pulling out of the Paris Accord was a mistake and says "Mother Earth" a lot.
Butterfree
Given the butterfly's long history of representing trans people, it's clear that Ash's Butterfree is the strong trans woman of the Pokémon world. On top of that, when you were playing Pokémon , Butterfree are there to help your team out very early in the game, just like our trans brothers and sisters are at the forefront of queer liberation.
Charmander
Charmander, the baby gay. So soft and gentle. The way he whimpers "Char, char," you just know he loves his mom. And his little flame is clearly a metaphor for the burgeoning flamer he will one day be.
Clefairy
Clefairy worship the moon and the moon is canonically queer, so like, who gon' check me, boo? Also, they only travel in packs and talk to other Clefairy, just like queer people don't like to be among cishets.
Cloyster
Cloyster is a grinning vulva and we'll just leave it at that!
Ditto
Ditto is our genderqueer, gender nonconforming sibling and we stan their decision to be who they want to be at any time! When Pokémon forced a gender binary onto the game, Ditto was one of the few who escaped that because fitting Ditto into a box is impossible!
Dragonair
A high femme queen, Dragonair literally evolves with an accessory around her neck. And those little wings around her ears! Honestly, other Pokémon are shaking.
Eeveelutions
There are so many categories in the queer community: stone butches, femme, bear, twink, power lesbians. Eevee starts off normal, but after a few semesters at college, she evolves to become the person she was meant to be, just like many queer people.
Farfetch'd
Farfetch'd, like Dragonair, comes complete with an accessory, a leek that they hold near and dear to them. And in the original anime, the first time we see a Farfetch'd, they're a thief living on the outskirts of society which is — you guessed it — very gay!
Gastly
All ghost Pokémon are a little gay, but Gastly is truly out here with the most Yvie Oddly-sounding laugh and constantly has a purple mist around them. Honestly, all of Dragula is shaking.
Gloom
Gloom is your depressed friend who sleeps around a lot for self esteem. I mean, she constantly has cum dripping out of her mouth! Love yourself!!!
Lapras
Lapras is that helpful queer woman who is always ready to help you move. I mean, whenever people need to travel, Lapras' body is a literal moving vehicle. Lapras is elegant and beautiful, yes, but is also ready to get down into the grime and help you out when you need it. A true friend.
Mewtwo
Mewtwo is that annoying, older, cultured gay who saw that movie you just saw months ago at Sundance and hated it! Don't even talk to him about David Lynch.
Mr. Mime
As a close friend of mine has said to me many times, all you need to do is look at Mr. Mime's moveset in the original games to know that he's a gay man. All of his moves are super defensive — light screen, deflect, etc. But on top of that, in the opening episodes of the Sun & Moon anime, Mr. Mime looks like a retired gay who's ready to move to Palm Springs. Someone get this mime a caftan!
Ninetales
Aside from Ninetales giving Dragonair a serious run for their elegant money, notice that Ninetales already has the requisite queer woman haircut, a.k.a. the Captain Marvel.
Pikachu
Pikachu is a bratty sub that is, through his brattiness, actually a dom. He refuses to go into his Pokéball, and refuses to do what he's told in general. But, after a lot of bonding, he's actually the most loyal sub there ever was!
Psyduck
Psyduck's power comes from constant anxiety and is unleashed whenever they're being laughed at. If that isn't relatable and queer, I don't know what is.
Snorlax
Snorlax has helped so many bears feel #seen and is a reminder that Pokémon are beautiful no matter their weight.
Squirtle
Squirtle used to be a part of the Squirtle Squad when they were pretending to be straight, but once they leave that conformity behind and join Ash's chosen family, they're able to leave behind their old cop ways and really be queer. Wow, OK, I'm not crying. You're crying.
Starmie
While all water Pokémon are canonically queer (I don't make the rules!), Starmie really embodies some of the best parts of queer Pokémon . Starmie is genderless and has a pretty jewel at their center. Also, they're always ready to fight, which is a big part of the queer spirit.
Weepinbell
Weepinbell is just a hole, sir.
Jynx
A literal drag queen, but clearly someone needs to talk to her about her use of blackface!